Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
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there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
yeah 😭
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
u spoke cat all this time??????
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.