Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
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Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.