I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
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doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
When can I start eating bats again.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
In case you needed to hear it:
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.