That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come