[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
You Might Also Like
The Backseat Boys
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid