[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.