Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.