*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
This is my bus stop.
Received some very disappointing news today
Breaking news:
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?