Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI