It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.