Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
This will never not be funny 😭
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Important
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.