Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica