Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*