20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
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I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
it was a valiant fight
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
same bro
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Sing it!
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name