My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
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Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.