People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
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The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!