“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
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dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end