Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
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Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution