therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
*limbos under the caution tape
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My typo game is string.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.