Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken