4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
The Sun
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.