I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
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I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”