You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please