When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
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My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Sheep
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.