How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
When you let grandma cat sit
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish