Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.