Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
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“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
rise and shine we got egg
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
so i’m at the stock market right
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.