Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
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That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
A wise man once said nothing.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”