My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
You Might Also Like
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
the pigeons are already plenty salty
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.