Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
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[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.