Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Happens to everyone.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go