me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
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There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.