If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
😅🤣😂
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”