Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Lmao
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
What’s a Messi?
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My blood type is coffee.