M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
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I hope Alan is OK
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no