“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
fixed it
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class