so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
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Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?