velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.