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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
In case you needed to hear it:
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.