My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.