We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
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hey, alexa
The Onion called it…again.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I have so many questions.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave