Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.