Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
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I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.