They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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That’s it.I’m out.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
when revenge coincides with naptime
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
men are simple creatures
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.