Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.