Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
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Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG