Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
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You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.