I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
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I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.