Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
A man of commitment.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*ernest hemingway voice*
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”