Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]